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Disconsolate after the perfidious Uruguayan handball against Ghana, I overlooked this extraordinary description of North Korea’s triumph over Brazil in last year’s World Cup. We knew that Kim Jong-il was a golfer of unparalleled accomplishment, but who knew he excelled at the beautiful game as well? From the blog Plucky Fish:
Pyongyang, North Korea: State television announces the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s great 50-0 victory over Brazil in their opening game of the 2010 World Cup.
Fifty goals, 49 of them scored before half-time, were all that separated Brazil from the mighty North Korea in yesterdays match according to Korean Central Television.
The hapless Brazilians, many of them probably American spies, never stood a chance when following a goalless opening five minutes the North Koreans bought on their star substitute – none other than the supreme Dear Leader and worlds most respected man Kim Jong-Il himself.
As the Supreme Leader of North Korea and worlds best Astronaut appeared on the touch-line lacing up his boots, the crowd fell silent in anticipation – the whole world held its breath then erupted into cheers and applause as the substitution was made. Five of North Korea’s squad were substituted for the one Kim Jong-Il; at the Dear Leaders own insistence, in order to give the Brazilians a fighting chance.
It took just one second for the sprightly and trim 69 year old leader to open the scoring with his trademark overhead bicycle kick – the move he invented himself in 1944 when he was just 3 years old. It was quite simply the greatest goal the world had ever seen, especially as the shot was struck whilst clearing the ball off his own goal-line – the shot travelling over 100 metres and still rising as it went through the back of Brazilians net. The ball is yet to be found and is believed to have left Earth’s Orbit.
The match had to be stopped for a full 2 hours as the players on both teams, and the match officials could not stop applauding, all of them crying tears of respect and admiration.
Before the restart the Dear Leader proclaimed the Centre Line a Demilitarised Zone and promised the stunned Brazilians they would never cross it – and henceforth they didn’t. All the football was played in the Brazilian half with the Latin Americans too busy wiping tears of admiration from their eyes and applauding Kim Jong-Il’s sublime skill to mount much of a defence.
Players from both sides could only stand and admire as goal after goal rained in, each as spectacular as the first. As the half-time whistle blew the score was a world record breaking 49-0, all of the goals scored single-handedly by Kim Jong-Il alone; as if that wasn’t spectacular enough all but the first ten goals were scored with the Dear Leader Blindfolded.
As the half-time whistle blew the exhausted players of both sides left the field crying tears of joy and reverence, all except the bespectacled supreme leader himself who remained in the centre-circle performing one-handed press-ups to the cheers of the adoring crowd, during the 15 minute break the North Korean leader beat his own world record.
Astonishingly, Kim Jong-Il allowed his teammates and loyal subjects a rest in the second half as he donned the goalkeeper’s gloves himself and invited the rejuvenated Brazilians to face him alone. Still wearing his blindfold the legendary North Korean made save after save to deny the Brazilians even a consolation goal.
Even when FIFA allowed the Brazilians to invite the greatest players in the world to assist them “in an attempt to create a fair and even contest”, and with nearly 100 of the world’s best players on the pitch, nobody on Earth could beat the cat like reflexes and awe-inspiring skill of the Supreme Commander.
After a goalless but magnificent second half, which top football pundits around the world described as the “best ever”, in the 89th minute North Korea’s Number 1 kicked the ball so high into the air that it disappeared from view before rocketing back to earth and into the top right corner of the Brazilian goal a minute later. The whole world fell silent in respect at the magnificent final goal, for it was obvious to all that the goal had been headed in by none other than Kim Jong-Il’s deceased father and eternal president Kim Il-Sung, from heaven.
The match referee was too moved and emotionally distraught to blow the final whistle offering it to the god like Kim Jong-Il with a shaking hand, the Dear Leader not only blew the final whistle himself but he did it so tunefully that music critics around the world declared it the most beautiful piece of music they’d ever heard.
And so it ended 50-0 to the North Korean’s, the 2010 World Cup will continue for the sake of the lesser nations so that they might one-day be worthy of being on the same pitch as the Dear Leader, but the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea have already been named “World Champions forever” thanks entirely to the magnificent Kim Jong-Il.
Matches at the Johannesburg Ellis Park stadium have had to be postponed as the applause of the capacity crowd cannot be stopped, the applause are not expected to die down for at least another 6 weeks.
