Kim Endorses Cruz, Threatens to Nuke Manhattan



In a widely rumored move, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un today endorsed Sen. Ted Cruz for the American presidency. Appearing jointly with the Tea Party icon to deliver the endorsement, Kim made reference to a comment from last month in which Republican frontrunner Donald Trump encouraged China to assassinate the Young General: “Turnabout is fair play—the Donald wants to off me? Well, I’ll take out his whole [expletive deleted] town.”

“Like me, Ted has an issue with New York,” Kim continued, referring to Cruz’s roundly derided comment about “New York values,” “and you know what they say about the enemy of your enemy…”

“Of course, if Trump was from Chicago, it would be a different matter—I love the Bulls. But, hey, I hear he’s got trouble in the Windy City too,” Kim chuckled.

Questioned by a reporter about Ohio governor John Kasich, Kim became exasperated. “I am the product of two generations of totalitarian dictators—and he’s…the son of a mailman!”

“And besides, Ted’s father was a bartender, and you know how I love to party!”

“Actually, that was Marco Rubio’s father.  Ted’s father was a dishwasher.”


When asked why Cruz, and not a Democrat, Kim was incredulous. “Are you nuts? Look, I already have to deal with Park Geun-hye. Why would I want another old [expletive deleted] in my life?”

“And that other guy? Sanders? He reminds me of my grandfather….As if.”

“Besides, those Democrats are against fracking. Coming from Texas, Ted is very pro-fracking.  Which means he’s OK with those artificial earthquakes we’ve been creating with our blasting activity.”

“And like me, he’s also very pro-law-and-order. Doesn’t put up with [expletive deleted].  And unlike that wimp Kasich, he hasn’t bugged me about that kid Warmbier. Told me just to deport him–Ted’s very pro-deportation. If it will keep that [expletive deleted] Richardson out of my hair, I just might do it.”

In response to a reporter’s question challenging how the endorsement of the foul-mouthed North Korean leader would help capture the Republican nomination, Cruz pointed to the upcoming New York primary: “if anything, the last two months have demonstrated the utter lack of backbone in the Republican establishment and the lamestream press. Given their spinelessness, I figure that a threat to nuke Manhattan, credible or not, ought to deliver 50,000 votes and the endorsement of the New York Times, not to mention the undying gratitude of voters upstate.”

More From