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Back in June CNN ran a segment on Kim Jong-un’s evidently growing bulk and their panel of experts could not come up with an explanation. Now Chosun Ilbo reports that South Korean intelligence believes that the Young General is tipping the scales at 287 pounds. In a Witness to Transformation blog exclusive we reveal the reason why: he is preparing to join the Oakland Raiders.
It goes without saying that if there were any team prepared for Kim Jong-un it would be the Raiders, famous for misfits and malcontents such as John Matuszak and Ben Davidson. Or as Mark Davis, who runs the team from his position as Chair of the Raiders Supreme Management Council, put it: “One night Daddy [Al Davis, Raiders Head Coach, General Manager, and Owner for Eternity] appeared to me in a dream and said “What this franchise really needs is one badassed Korean.”
According to Director of the Raiders Coaching Collective Jack Del Rio, “With that build and that nasty streak we figured Kim was a natural-born defensive tackle,” but Kim refused to play defense, averring that he was strictly offense. “So we tried him out at guard,” Del Rio continued, “but he insisted on being the center.” That was until Kim learned that the quarterback was known colloquially as the “field general” and got to throw “bombs” (and got all the girls) and he demanded that he be given the position. “The kid threatened to detonate a nuclear device in Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum,” explained Mark Davis, “so we figured we’d better give him the ball. Couldn’t be any worse that the parade of losers we’ve been starting at QB, anyhow.”
Vegas isn’t sure what to make of all of this—the odds makers are not sure he has much of an arm, and reputedly Kim has been known to rip up the game plan and disregard the plays sent in by the offensive coordinator. At press they’re -3 at Chicago.
When contacted via séance and asked to comment, Head-Coach-General-Manager-Owner-for-Eternity Davis responded, "Just win, baby."
